“Choose your weapon…”

Bit of a mini post but I haven’t done one in a while so figured I should drop in.

So recently I discovered a fantastic game called Limbo, courtesy of Benjamin ‘Yahtzee’ Croshaw and Graham Linehan. Alas, I am not ‘with’ the 21st century and don’t like to call myself a “Gamer” so I only possess older consoles and this particular game is for that behemoth of money-making ubiquity (it IS a word) the Xbox360 and I was sorely tempted to get one. Now my very best friends are all “Gamers” (parenthetical aside; I hate the term Gamer, even for people who are Gamers) and own these consoles and spend a lot of time online chatting and playing together. Now, I live roughly 300 miles away from these friends of mine and have never succumbed to the temptation that this presents, i.e. Getting to chat, interact and have a laugh with some mates online, so finally being tempted to get one many years after their initial release you realise how good this game would have to be to tempt me. Anyway, long story short, a friend of mine (who lives a lot nearer) had a friend who was getting rid of one and I am now an Xbox owner. I have to say having played them a lot at friends houses and so on it is great fun and very therapeutic to chainsaw creatures in half after a hard days work (you can quote me on that Alan Twatting Titchmarsh, you reactionary prick), as such, I am enjoying it immensely.

Until…

Word got out and the reaction I got! I shit you not, I have practically been ostracised by some friends for getting this console. Being made a pariah because you bought a sodding console they don’t like, even by my standards, is a little extreme. It is, however, something I am used to for you see, I own a MACINTOSH COMPUTER as well. Now, I believe you may have gathered I am a nerd (read the word ‘nerd’ as if it were written in 50 foot concrete letters) but Macs are most resolutely NOT nerd computers, they are seen as yuppy, trendy and ‘cool’ (since Jonathan Ive reinvented their image) in the way that Dickhead song goes on about. And this is what I wanted to comment on…

THEY’RE FUCKING COMPUTERS YOU C***S! They are lifeless, inanimate, personality-less, cold, metal, meaningless, irritating, made-to-break, pieces of junk. I have never understood the crusader like fervour consoles and computing platforms attract. It is as if the idiots who leap to the defense of these things honestly believe they are friends with these insipid time vacuums. People even go so far as to argue the company that made them is evil (like I used to, for instance), like someone decrying the Xbox all the while owning a console made by FUCKING SONY who are also money-grubbing, thieving, Machiavellian whores themselves. Not only all this but they don’t give a shit about you, me or anyone else who buys their consoles or rabidly defends a buying choice on forums. You are a walking, talking wallet to them, a number on their sales chart and so long as you keep buying their tat they can happily continue to ignore you.

Yes I own an Xbox now and I love it, it’s great fun playing a good game and it can be relaxing, therapeutic, challenging, engaging, fascinating and games, in my opinion, are honestly an Art form, contrary to what the American High Court may rule. I also love my Mac, it wooshes and makes bleeping noises and I have used one since I was a child as Dad needed one for work and my current G5 has seen me through some hard times and has never crashed, ever (and that is the truth so all you Pc lovers/Mac Haters don’t use that lame-arse argument). But I know I’m giving my money to a greedy, multi-national company, led by a shadowy cabal of cruel, soulless businessmen with flint for hearts and CCTV cameras for eyes. As are you and anyone else in the Western World. We make this choice every bloody day so don’t try to make me feel guilty about which bundle of wires and sockets I chose to part my hard-earned for. Please. These products are made for entertainment, not hero worship. If your model/brand/type/whatever entertains you ACE! Great! Enjoy! Extol its virtues to the highest hills but stop acting like it’s fucking WAR! Because if it is, I’m a conscientious objector. You know, a coward.

Now I must go, I have a Genocide on an evil alien race to perform…

P.S. To anyone who sees this as an opportunity to argue hollowly and pointlessly in defense of their chosen brand (you sheep) I honestly don’t care and if you are just going to insult me for my choice. Good. You are not the sort of person I regard as a friend or acquaintance. I prefer to regard you from behind a high-powered sniper rifle at 500 yards.

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